Long time, lots see

Interesting to watch how much hysteria there is for Dec. 25 on some parts of your planet, total absence of interest on most of it.

It's called 'the brakes,' dipshit

OK, so here you can see what it looks like when a moron drives a spaceship into the atmosphere. If our angle had been any steeper, I wouldn't be writing this now. Thanks much to the Edmonton police for this visual evidence of why I will keep smacking a certain pilot on the forehead.

Crazy to the Nth degree

Accidentally discovered that one of our implants when in someone who has a heart attack and then is heavily sedated can sometimes short, creating random behavior to a degree no one would be happy to observe. Sorry to the implantee and all the friends and relatives now going through hell.

Breaking the silence

All right, all right, sorry it has been over a week since I've posted, but come on, I've only seen everything I've worked for the past several years almost entirely wiped out. Maybe I'm a little depressed. You get depressed, your dogs and cats depressed, you don't think an alien can get depressed? If we were a human organization, we'd be bracing for layoffs about now. But we're not. On the other hand, we have airlocks.

You'd be better off

C'mon. There seem to be two ways you guys find this blog. One is the rare person who is surfing the random tweets of everyone on Twitter. The other is someone Googling something about "alien sex," "fucking aliens" or, as happened this week, "sick alien sex." When we're sick, our sex is no better than your is when you have a bad cold. Which is to say, we still do it.

There's one in every crowd

Today one of my coworkers said he early-voted for McCain, then went to another state and early-voted for Barr. He thinks he may vote at least two more times for each. Douche.

Get out of jail free

Maybe we are the Soviet Union. The Oct. 26 takeover is now off. We tried flipping the first switches today, and a bunch of them didn't switch. Frankly, we don't really NEED all of these systems to sync with us, but it's a hell of a pain in the ass if your life seems totally the same while we're marching down the streets. Unlike the movie "Independence Day," we don't have dozens of ships to send to hover all over the world to create a sense that the order has changed. So, new takeover date to be set later. You in the U.S.: Enjoy your election! Don't fuck it up. This is history, in both the best and worst sense. I, of course, will be going to Ohio and voting Obama. We can do that. All of us will be voting Obama, here and there. John McCain is just creepy, and besides, our probe says he won't live six more months.

Just a reminder

Pack a suitcase. Make love like rabbits. In less than 48 hours most of you will be on the ship.

We almost feel sorry for her

We weren't trying to humiliate Blossom by chasing the Federation off, but it's you people who bombarded her blog with abuse. Show a little compassion, will you? She was sincere. She was ALMOST right. When we pick her up Oct. 26, we'll tell her the Federation really was coming but we wouldn't let them. Maybe we'll even broadcast it to everyone else too. Maybe she'll feel better.

Don't be disillusioned

Some humans seem disappointed that a giant ship from the Galactic Federation of Light did not appear in the Alabama skies yesterday, and isn't there now, to declare a great era of planetwide peace. There's a simple reason: We chased them off. They're peaceniks, they have no weapons, and that "security field" they brag about couldn't keep my grandmother out. We have dibs on the Earth, and we'll kick their asses (they do have multiple asses) if they come back.

It's a head fake

The news that Barack Obama, who knows full well of our plans, "bought" a half hour of prime time on at least two major U.S. television networks for a night three days after we take over may surprise those who read this blog. However, he has not paid cash up front. Obama is shrewd. Like McCain, he has doubts we can pull it off, so he's hedging his bets. He won't be billed until after the 29th. If he's in the mines by then, he figures it won't matter that he may or may not have the money to pay the bill. If something goes wrong for us, he figures he'll probably be the president by the time the bill becomes overdue, and no one is going to repo Air Force One.

It wasn't really a gaffe

John McCain said "my fellow prisoners" because he had just been talking to us about the status of the takeover. He knows it's imminent, and he let slip what everyone's status is about to become. Officially, we're still on target for Oct. 26, but personally I'm keeping a few of my eyes on what you might refer to as a worker drone in sector 7G. He's on the ground in "an undisclosed location" -- it would not be inaccurate to infer Dick Cheney spends time there occasionally -- and is supposed to be nailing down critical systems in the mid-Atlantic. In a meeting today he's asked about things that could be done to make everything more secure. Each time, there's a blank look, then he says, "Well, I guess I could do that, yeah. Good idea." By the end I was ready to shove a rocket up his Uranus.

How you raise your kids kills us

Bored with your own kind?

As noted previously, you humans seem to have an obsession with alien sex. A disproportionate number of the visitors to this blog find it by Googling "alien fucking."

Nothing to see here

You really want to know what Mercury looks like? Like a big, round, dry, hot rock. Been there, done that. Next. You like to say you send out probes like this one for scientific reasons, but it's obvious that's a crock. You like photos of exotic places.

The Earth is farting

Two things: 1) Yes, methane releases in the Arctic have increased, and it will eventually lead to the runaway climate change you're all afraid of. 2) Irrelevant. Oct. 26! We have a timetable, and most all of you will be off working in the mines by the time this seriously alters the planet's climate. For now, go about your business, move along, nothing to see here.

Define 'snow'

Don't get overexcited about snow on Mars. I'm pretty sure what was falling out of the atmosphere at that time was in the same place where, just a little earlier, we purged out tanks. Could be yellow snow.

We're trying

We realized a few weeks ago, as you probably read here, that we accidentally set the probe that's up John McCain's ass to "random." It wasn't a huge concern since our deadline is Oct. 26, but it's becoming a bit of a panic-inducer. We'd rather not have the sideshow in the waning weeks. Of course, it's harder than ever to get to him now. Many, many bodyguards and hangers-on. He's liable to say anything at any time. The other day his campaign unleashed a TV ad in which the words "greedy CEOs" appeared on the screen at the same time as the image of a black man. It's crazy, Jesse Helms stuff, potentially very explosive. We assume it's the probe scrambling his thoughts. If we can't get to him soon, we'll have to give up. Too much to do, especially the last two weeks. So, if he keeps acting wacky: Sorry.

What's REALLY going on

My boss didn't want to let me come out for this -- you can tell my posting has dropped -- but way up the food chain they recognize you are getting distracted, at least those who are paying attention to the U.S. and the U.S. presidential race. Let's be clear: The financial collapse is due to a small handful of people who are, in essence, short-selling us -- They don't believe we can pull of this takeover, but they think we will bring about an economic recalibration -- and to the cynicism of Bush and McCain. On similar grounds. They also don't believe we will be able to take over. I know. I've had probes so far up their asses I could look out their eyes. They are no better than Putin. We are considering a new job category for the post-takeover period. We may find the nastiest, most oral-sex-hungry people, and require them to be serviced by McCain, Bush and their senior advisors.

Who is this, and what has he done with David?

Now we have to go find David Brooks for probing. If he really made a solid argument that Sarah Palin is unqualified it means either that he is now a meth head or that there is an unregistered alien who has taken on his identity. The argument is completely correct, but it is unlike him to completely take on his party so boldly and thoroughly. My money is on the meth.

Liar liar, pants on fire

The reason Sarah Palin continues to repeat the "Bridge to Nowhere" lie that she always opposed it is simple: I'm using the implant to make her keep saying it. I'll let her go a couple hours before she is set to talk to Charlie Gibson. That should make it fun.

Sometimes the implants are a mixed blessing

Sarah Palin's speech the other night? All me. Wrote it, dictated it, pushed it out. The implants make it possible. On the other hand, I also heard/saw the celebration sex that night. Ew.

Excellent! Time for another implant. These are so much more interesting than probing. More exacting work, more challenging, and most important there is so much less squealing. And no smell. Sarah Palin, we're on our way.

When porn crosses the line

This person wasn't a Hillaryite, but the sign virtually screamed "PROBE ME! PROBE ME!" Interestingly, she's not certain this is a joke:
"We had thousands of flyers that spelled out our philosophy in exposing Bird Watchers for what they really are: namely cunning, pervasive, horny preditors. More specifically, a shameful blight on our society by seeking sexual stimulation from birds in congress."

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting one

Some of us, including me, thought it too ambitious to try to find and probe 500 Hillaryites. Some thought we might have to resort to picking up everyone who looks like Bella Abzug and hope, but it has been much easier than we expected. They display their loyalties so prominently we can spot them with a simple visual scan of the streets.

Oops

So much probing, I wound up wearing myself out and fell asleep just in time to miss Michelle Obama's speech. Good thing I'm not paid for this blog. When I'm conscious, see live comments on my Twitter feed.

Live-blogging isn't fast enough

I intended to live-blog the DNC tonight. I hadn't figured that the first night would produce such profuse crap (the rhetoric). I really thought that would be the RNC. But, wow, I can't keep up with Jesse Jr.

Tweet tweet

So far, follow my Twitter to see my reaction during this convention.

Bad speechifying

You have precious little time left, so you probably don't need to worry about this, but if you gain more time you shouldn't let Nancy Pelosi give anymore speeches. She seriously stinks. She also seems to think she's still 35.

My day's work

Got our full quota of Hillarites for the day. Scary bunch. Never, in any race, have we encountered a people as willing to distance political philosophy from personal loyalty.

Let the chaos ensue

Orbiting over Denver now. If we get enough Hillarites probed by the time the convention starts, I may live-blog tonight's events. I've got enough implant feeds set up that it will be like being in the room anyway. Speaking of anuses, what part of "you lost" do you people not understand? You will have a long, sad adjustment in the mines. Repeat this over and over, and maybe by Oct. 26 you'll get it: The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules.

Rocky Mountains-bound

Headed to Denver. We're going to pick up a few of the Hillary dead-enders for probing, the ones who say they are for Hillary because of the issues but they will vote for McCain rather than Obama. The brain circuitry on this may be interesting.

OBiden

I went a little nuts this morning in my Twitter feed about the Obama-Biden announcement. Sorry to my handful of followers. But dammit, our sleep cycle was synced last night with the East Coast of the U.S., and the goddam thing came out at 3:30. Yes, we watch such things. Gotta know who needs an implant -- Biden gets his tonight. You announce these things at that time of day/night? What. The. Intercourse. Whose genius idea was that? I'll shove a probe so far up that person's ass that I can modulate the settings in his/her open mouth. Please don't do that anymore.

Suck me, Technorati

Technorati ranks my blog 4,575,077. I've had worse.

Why would we bother arranging this, you might well ask. After all, in global terms Pakistan is a backwater -- no insult, P, just speaking from an intergalactic perspective -- and certainly not a threat to us, and when we're rounding people up we'll hardly worry about the guys in the caves. (They'll actually be worse off if we don't find them, so I'm kind of hoping we don't, because they're giant assholes.) But, over the next two months it sure would help to avoid as many wars and explosions as possible. So, we convinced Zardari to run. Wasn't easy. He (mercifully) doesn't remember it now, but it took one MAJOR case of probing. Even Cheney caved earlier, and that's one man -- believe you me -- used to having big shit up his ass.

They're scamming you

You know what the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence really is? Galactic Napster. They don't tell you that. They tour the country, talk to children's groups, pretend they're doing serious science and haven't found what they're looking for. Don't fall for it. They found exactly what they were looking for -- our tunes, and they didn't pay for any. But they will. Oh yes, they will.

Putin may be right

If you put money on Vladimir Putin's belief that we are going to fail to make our deadline, today is the kind of day to make me think I should join you. Tech problems out the wazoo. Someone suddenly looks out the window and says, "Hey, aren't we about to fly into the sun?" Only plus is it happened while far from Earth. If we had been close we would have hit the moon.

There are more difficult tasks

And you wonder how we'll just roll over you. If it gets tough, we'll break open a keg.

What's so hard to believe?

So John McCain says he didn't hear the question about the anti-Obama book that is filled with lies (we've checked: all lies). Let it go. He's 73 years old. OF COURSE he didn't hear the question and threw off a non-answer that ended up throwing gas on the fire. You people get pretty hard of hearing by the time you're 45, let alone 73.

This is how it always starts

Lucky for you that you have only until Oct. 26 because you've got some whacked-out English scientists playing Frankenstein to make a robot governed by a rat's brain cells. Since they're English, maybe they think the Doctor will ride in to rescue them if anything goes wrong. We've seen this sort of thing before, sometimes arriving at a world years after such technology was perfected -- and the only thing left running around was robots.

Another country heard from

Just what I need, another armed conflict on my desk to manage. Mindanao? Mindanao?! Yesterday I didn't know it existed, now I not only know where this little scrap of nothing in the Pacific is, I also know someone thinks it's worth fighting over, AND I have to keep track of everyone involved so we can scoop them up after Oct. 26. Still, could be worse. I could be the one who has pre-emptively been given responsibility for Ukraine. That one's going to be ugly. Don't even get me started on Poland.

If Putin's walking funny today ...

We picked up Vladimir Putin for probing last night. We wanted to know what he's thinking. Turns out it's that whole "Russian soul" thing with a little gambling instinct. He knows we have an Oct. 26 deadline. He just doesn't believe we can pull it off. He's betting we're like the Soviet Union -- vast and powerful, but corrupt and inept. He has been itching for many years to reassert Russia's power over its former dependencies, and Georgia gave him an excuse to start. He's undecided how far to push it, but he also knows that the United States is the only country willing to go to war to stop him, but the U.S. is completely pinned down with Iraq and Afghanistan. So, George W. Bush, here's the one thing we can guarantee: Whether we make our deadline or not, you have played a pivotal role in history by making possible the rise of a new Russian Empire. You must be so proud.

Why you don't pretend to give a robot a voice

This little crappy satellite image is nice enough, shows interesting geologic details, but in posting it and hailing it you never say why anyone should care. Don't treat your own people like fools. Just look at the photo! There are clear patterns of geologic movement. SAY IT! If you don't, you're assuming your readers are as nerdy as you are. (NASA, I'm looking at you.)

Mechanical eyes

This is how the beach looks when you look at it through the mechanical-spider apparatus mentioned below.

Too much spare time on your hands

You're very imaginative in coming up with ways to alter your appearance in freakish ways. These things make you look perpetually stoned and surprised. Guarantee: They'll give you eyeball cancer. Fortunately for you, we have surgery to correct that. Unfortunately for you, it leaves you with a large, black apparatus on your head that looks like a mechanical spider.

Monkey face

Do you even LOOK at the people you choose to be your leaders before you cast a vote? Do you just flip a coin? We'll keep this picture on a poster in the mines to remind you of the damage you do to yourselves.

Welcome, Verdell

Verdell Wilson, come on down. This is why we have a really small budget for espionage and researching you guys. You have such an insular network that you turn up dirt on yourselves faster than we usually could. That said, here is a message to Verdell: As I mentioned earlier in my Twitter, which you do not follow, I can get you easier duty in the mines. No favors necessary - this is not a solicitation. You are funny. We don't have much of that. It's worth it to us to spare you an early death.

Keeper

We'll save this in our system. We don't do science, comedy and music, but it's nice to have an example in case any of us wants to give it a try.

Workplace safety violation

We have a job opening. During testing of the equipment we will use Oct. 26 to take control of all of your facilities, a Steev I like to call a name that translates in English roughly to "Johnny Numb Nuts" hit the wrong button. Suddenly POOF! he creates and explosion that takes out the equipment, a not insignificant chunk of Canadian real estate and, luckily for our future operations, himself. It was nice of Toronto to evacuate the area and bar aircraft. Made it easy for us to sweep out our materials quickly.

Wasting time

We told Vladimir Putin that invading Georgia would be a waste of time, effort and resources. (Please, no one send e-mail reminding us that Dmitry Medvedev is the president. Don't be naive.) Even if Russia prevails and fighting ends tomorrow, it will rule South Ossetia for about two and half months before everyone is rounded up and sent off-world. Anyone else pondering military action elsewhere in the world, please take this to heart: Why bother? Go to the beach instead. Relax. Get a tan. After October you won't see the sun much, especially this one.

Even a blind MF pig!

You totally nailed it, without even knowing (maybe). Yes, John Edwards is the parent of aliens, but we resent the "alien lizards" reference. We are warm-blooded. MaxTheDog2, once we track him down, will have surface duty, if the bots don't get him first.

Better yet, bring a doctor's note

Your frailties are sometimes perplexing. Considering the value you place on laughing, one would think evolution would long ago have wiped out any tendency to collapse when you laugh or to suddenly fall asleep. Those of you who suffer from these conditions, please make a note: When the takeover comes, you MUST inform your processing officer of your condition. It could be critical. It won't get you an easier assignment in the mines, but we can place you where all of the digging is done manually rather than by heavy machinery. We would like to avoid mishaps, as blood congeals in some of the exposed mechanisms and impairs machinery function.

Red space herring

We'll clear this up fast: Barack Obama is familiar with this blog, and he knows full well that whatever he proposes for space exploration is a moot point. Promise NASA the moon, whatever, it won't matter. John McCain knows this too. Don't base any votes on whatever they say about NASA funding. (Trivia on what NASA really means: Non-Assisted Space Attempt. True.)

Confession time

Some of the recent jellyfish problem is a global-warming thing. We're also breeding them and releasing them. We think they're cute.

'Days off' - What a concept

One of the few things you may look on as a positive once you are in the mines is that we have the same work week you will have, which is every day of the week. As mentioned before, we have no vacations either. It is both amusing and annoying that what you call Saturdays, when most of you are not working, is our busiest day. We don't have seven-day weeks, but rewiring your infrastructure in preparation for Oct. 26 is easiest on the days when most of you are playing or getting drunk. So today has been an absolute female dog, as you say.

Even a broken clock II

Looks like they got us. I'm not saying which of those is us, but we're there. Nicely done. We didn't think you had it in you, but we'll find it. John Lenard Walson, you have a date with a dissection bot!

'Aliens! Fucking aliens!'

The American comedian Lewis Black has a bit in the current incarnation of his act that says either aliens are behind the iPhone or else it ought to be possible to create the technology to convert society to solar power. Actually both of those are true. If your leaders really wanted to, you could easily convert almost everything to solar power in a matter of perhaps 10 years. Unfortunately, you have less than three months left, and even if you could do it, what good would that do you in the mines?

8/3 UPDATE: Told you so.

Whim central

On a whim downloaded "Stagecoach." You guys did better work when your media were black and white. You worked more in composition and mood. You have too many toys now. You don't even have three months left, but if you're doing anything low-budget, go back.

Close call

I was set to rebut accusations that we might have been involved in the California earthquake, but then we found a small leak in the artificial gravity generator. If we had been in low orbit at the time, the San Andreas Fault might be an estuary today.

Attention, Ottawa

My superiors may be about to shut down this blog because they don't know how to reach humans, and this blog proves it. But someone in Ottawa continues to check in more than anyone else. We appreciate the attention, though we despair that humans really don't care. We'll (probably not me personally, but your blood is exciting, so I can't swear) take it out of your hides. And no, that's not a euphamism.

Ah, hell

This sucks. Ted Stevens is a good guy, alien-wise. You could hardly ask for a better landing spot than almost anyplace in Alaska, and he was always there to bullshit the locals on odd goings-on. You would not be such easy invasion-bait without him. Really, the bribing is among the most blatant in the galaxy. Man. At least there's less than 90 days to our takeover and shipping you off to the mines. Otherwise, we'd be having internal meetings and such and this would be important, time-diverting stuff.

You're so screwed

Your governments are at least as inefficient as ours. We take no pleasure in this. It's a bit depressing, really. We hope that new species will be better in some way, but we're constantly disappointed. You all suck as much as we do. For instance, the above map shows water vapor all over the world. Does it look radically different than you would have drawn on your own? Fast answer: No. It's a shitty map. If we're supposed to convince you that we are advanced and you need to listen to what we say, this is exactly what we need to avoid.

Best burial plot ever (my dad said)

My dad never shared my love of stark landscapes and high cliffs. He preferred open planes and grass. So he loved Stonehenge, which with its little monument looked a bit (probably not coincidentally) like the family burial plot back home. Anyway, he asked that if he died during the Earth expedition for us to spread his ashes here, so we did. It was a busy time, so I think some humans probably got a better than healthy huff of him. If you grow an extra hand, it's his.

Well, duh

Of course Robert Novak has a brain tumor. It's a common side effect of the implant we've been using. You didn't think he was that big a prick on his own, did you?

8/4 UPDATE: Sorry, Bob. Might've helped if you held a charitable thought in your head, stroked a puppy, didn't run over a bicyclist, stuff like that. It affects the neuropeptides, which affects the brain tissue's interaction with the implant. I guess we should have mentioned that.

The truth about Area 51

Stop asking. It's a tourist gimmick. We have never been there, and neither has any other alien race.

No harm, no foul

We know Edgar Mitchell. Good guy. We'll go easy on him. He's right, but everyone will think he's crazy. Until Oct. 26.

Funny story

One of the early expeditionary trips to this solar system had a mishap -- some would call it a DUI, but no one ever proved that. It happened to coincide with your Galileo probe passing by and snapping some photos. You guys called it a "volcanic plume." More like, "Drunk-off-his-ass Steev plunges his ship into an ice planet." That pilot has never lived it down. The photo shows up at almost every party.

Why salt mines?

Good question. We have an unusual craving for salt. We're kind of anti-slugs. Our own world has very little salt. Maybe that's related. I'm not a biologist, and I don't care to ask one. (They're very smug.) Whatever the reason, wherever we encounter a world rich in salt, we set up a mine, and then we send in slaves, like you.

You'll be happier

You guys stress too much. You'll be much better off in the mines, where you can see your kids and be assured how miserable they are, rather than wondering at a distance what misery they are enduring.

Try opening your eyes next time, fly boy

Stinking Qantas pilot thinks that just because he's 29,000 feet up he doesn't have to look where he's going. Guess what? You're not alone up there! We can fly millions of miles without a scratch, then some drowsy prick in a jumbo jet dings the roof. He better hope we don't get his name.

In a hundred years or so

Every time we take over a planet, I pass a place where I think I want to live when I retire. This is Mars again. Love the views, and it never rains.

Say cheese

Your self-surveillance so often comes in handy. I lacked a camera of my own passing by, but I noticed the Deep Impact spacecraft, and that thing is always clicking away. The resolution kind of sucks, at least on what the U.S. government allows to be presented to the public, but it's a nice sequence.

Smart and stupid are same to worms

Many, perhaps most, humans like to believe in meritocracy. I like the idea myself. Those most able really should be rewarded and put in place to perform to their abilities. Alas, I must tell you this happens nowhere in the universe, and Earth is perhaps among the lower tier in applying the principal, at least among planets that have achieved, at some level, space flight. All achievement is politics, which is nothing more than interpersonal relations. In all species, those who make others happy and content are regarded as more worthy of admiration. The chances are that if you are reading this blog, according to all sources I have seen, this is bad news to you. Sorry. You also will be on the lower tier in the pecking order of the mines. Sorry again. It makes me no more happy than it makes you. It does, however, make me less sad, because I will not be in the mines.

A little education is dangerous ...

... but a lot of education is lethal. While home recently, I let the mate convince me to go to a group discussion of Steev literature and adaptations of it, which is more complex than it sounds since most of our communication is telepathic. Literature, then, takes no time at all to consume, but adapting it is multidimensional. Our institutions of higher learning no longer grant degrees in its study because the field of deconstructing and explaining it had advanced to the point that students began to collapse into black holes. Perhaps because of this, however, that danger has made such classes, offered in non-academic settings, quite popular, somewhat like your erotic asphyxiation. The discussion I attended began to veer toward black-hole status as several in the group spent 20 minutes debating the permutations of the thought-word-form "self-evident." Perhaps because of my exposure to engineers, I felt the warps in space-time developing, so to create a distration I peed the floor and released a rodent.

Plans are for suckers

At times I, a planner in a vast interstellar organization, am chastised for my unwillingness to make long-term plans for myself. When I travel, I prefer serendipitous encounters and random-chance finds. A perfect example why: While on the home world and out on a long-planned meal get-together with my mate and an old friend of hers/his, we learned another old friend's mate had died. Instantly all of our plans were out the window and the entire day shifted from refreshment and reattachment to grieving and support. On Oct. 27, all of you will have fresh examples of why planning is for fools. Live for today. Make plans, but not hard and firm ones. Soon, you'll be in the mines. Plan accordingly.

Desperately seeking Sarah

On my way back to Earth I'm catching up on the news. I see Sarah Silverman finally dumped Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy was the one thing preventing sentient fans from considering her to be a genius. Even we Steev recognized what a dork he is -- in fact, our guide to Earth slang has his picture. We had no word like "dork" before, but it comes in quite handy. Of course, as I've said before we almost never speak, but the mental thought/image of "dork" is quite potent. This may be humankind's single greatest contribution to the galaxy. Congratulations.

Now Sarah has a little more than three months to find out what life without a live-in doofus is like (we had that "doofus" concept already). Sorry, Sarah, we'd like to give you more time. It's not personal, just business. Tell us some good jokes -- especially about Jimmy -- and we'll probably go easy on you.

Home, sweet home

Being recalled to the home world is like what you call vacation. We have no vacation, but there is little of our work on Earth that can be done from here, so when not being briefed or instructed, our time is our own. It's maddening. My mate has lavished attention on me. I spent too much time in the suns, so my skin is dry and the slime brownish. Soon I'll start flaking dry bits. Luckily we erected a rock pole outside for just such an occasion. We'll have some well-fed insects.

'Your kind made a desert of it'

Perhaps years from now we may bring a few of you back to Earth to see what eventually became of the planet after the climate change you initiated finally petered out. It would be an interesting sociological/psychological experiment. We could bring Bush himself, assuming he survives the mega-probing that he has coming. You'll hardly recognize the place. You may even be grateful for the mines. But probably not.

Goddam Google

I had composed a lengthy post about my trip home and the purple seas, green sky, orange beaches, bloated gas bags, etc. etc., and the friggin' Blogger software hiccuped. I hate Google. They are going to be toiling on friggin' SURFACE operations, the shitheads.

Staycations

We have no vacations. We have a different concept of liesure. I, for instance, enjoy interrogation, so when I need time off I take over for the interrogators, who hate their job. They then may go to the mines to whip slaves, or come to Earth to fill in for vacationing bureaucrats like myself. It's all diversion. Anything different than what we do all the time is a change. It's mental stimulus. That's all that counts. Your own obsessive need to escape will ill suit your future.

Stinkin' Jared

Could be another reason no one finds the blog here is you can't find it on technorati. Even a search for "alienoverlords" takes you to a been-abandoned-for-two-years blog by some slacker named Jared. Asshole.

A voice in the wilderness

At this rate, very few humans will be emotionally prepared for our takeover of your planet come October. The problem with using a blog to spread the word is blogs become popular by word of mouth, and we Steev do not use our mouths for speech. We communicate mostly by telepathy, which is faster. It also enforces a steely mental discipline because when you have a naughty thought about a co-worker, he/she instantly knows and either he/she mentally slaps you or else confirms similar feelings and you slip off to have sex, and in either case your mate instantly knows about your thought and your co-worker's reaction and then you're in for hell when you get home. Anyway, if the blog doesn't pick up traction we are developing a concept for a short-run reality series, "Your New Life As An Alien Slave," for Fox.

I'm gonna miss you guys

I just learned today that your latest robot probe on Mars has its own Twitter feed. This is adorable. Clearly it's really a human in Melbourne, Fla., or Houston or something answering questions, but it's an absolutely stunning example of your species' ability to feign ignorance of reality for the sake of having fun. Really, we admire it. Meanwhile, you have less than four months to prepare whatever fairy tales you'll tell yourselves while in the mines.

Faith and devotion

This is what happens when beings are young and energetic and stupid. You grow out of the first two.

God and sinners

If you are a U.S. resident and believe in God -- and a recent survey indicates almost all of you do -- your God has a vicious sense of humor. For Jesse Helms to die on July 4? The same day as John Adams? Thomas Jefferson? Barry White? It's simply f***ing perverse. God must hate America to mock it so.

Back to the mating

Another photo from Mars. THIS is going to get him/her hot and bothered just looking at it. We'll have sex for a week, at least. I'll take an IV.

Hey, I know this guy

That's Skxkktvbly! I haven't learned to read Indian yet (how many freaking languages does one world need?!), so I have no idea what he's doing here.

Nice place to visit

First visit to Mars today for R&R. Very nice. I have to take the mate there once I get all of you shoved off to the salt mines.

Human failings

The Blogger/Google people still can't reconcile my account status; my gmail is not recognized under any circumstances until I log in under my Yahoo e-mail. I will not bother having anyone from Google sent to the mines. All will be processed for food. "Soylent Green is Google! It's Google!"

Why the subterfuge

Been a while since we had a question. Here's one: Why have we infiltrated rather than simply conquered? Why wait? Good question, simple answer: This is cheaper. The size army needed to take over a whole planet and enslave more than 6 billion people is cost-prohibitive, so instead we disguise ourselves, infiltrate your power structure and degrade your ability to resist us when the time comes, focusing chiefly on the major military threats we might face. What might look like a series of poor decisions or strategic errors by your leaders actually is a plan. So far, it's working pretty well.

This is news?

"Earth emits an ear-piercing series of chirps and whistles" that sounds "awful." We know. Have a listen. Earth is the bad neighbor with the stereo up loud and all the windows open at midnight. We need earplugs just to approach the planet. Pretty lights, though.

You sick ...

Just on a whim, in a fit of boredom, I Googled "alien porn." (Hey, it can be lonely on an alien world, plotting its takeover and the enslavement of the natives. It's all work.) It's truly astounding. "Some chick gets raped by an plant like alien ion her garden. It has several tentacles with dicks attached"!! Going from watching this kind of stuff to the tedium in the salt mines, you won't know which way is up.

As your saying goes, 'Even a broken clock...'

Interesting story out of North Carolina. Interesting not because it's about a man who believes in UFOs. Obviously we do exist. It's interesting because he is clearly a complete nutjob, and yet there's this: In recent years, he said, he has heard many reports of UFOs drawing energy off of power lines and draining water out of reservoirs.

It's true. Drawing a little electricity helps lower the cost of running a spaceship, and we need water. After all, in a few months you won't need it anymore.

Incommunicative and distant

Computers -- you can't live with them, you can't shoot them in the head and leave them by the side of the road.

Go Google yourself

The humans who oversee this network say I should use my gmail account to log in, but when I try, the site says my gmail account doesn't exist. After I log in using a non-Google e-mail, I can then check my gmail. If you ever have an encounter in your life in which the other person executes his tasks with ruthless efficiency and flawless results, run away -- it's one of us. No human could ever do that.

Humans LIKE idiots

Some of you, especially in Europe but in big cities all over, get on a high horse about George Bush. You call him an idiot, and worse. We have studied him extensively (including probing). You are correct. However, idiot is as idiot does. He was elected. How stupid does that make everyone who voted for him? How stupid does it make Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Angela Merkel, Silvio Berlusconi....? The list goes on. You like idiots, you vote for idiots, you just don't like the idiots the other idiots elect. You have less than four months to reconcile this in your minds. After that, you'll probably just recall pleasantly, pausing during your mining, the golden years before our arrival when you were ruled by wise leaders, who suddenly were taken from you as we herded you into the cargo ships.

Going to Saturn to reach the spaceport at Alpha Centauri

Once more on the LHC, which is being built in Switzerland, why is this being litigated in Hawaii? You people make no sense.

Structure of the universe

Speaking of the LHC, one of the things the hopeful, naive human scientists hope it will do is provide evidence of more dimensions, 10 or so, needed to "prove" string theory. Since we have less than four months until we begin rounding you up, let me save you some time: There are 13 dimensions. Exactly 13. Yes, it's an unlucky number. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

Not with a bang but a whimper

Believe me, if the CERN's Large Hadron Collider were actually capable of destroying the planet, we wouldn't be here, or we'd steal it; one day the scientists would arrive at work to find a giant hole in the ground. Please, don't get so worked up over the idea of mini black holes. You know what? There are mini black holes everywhere. Know why you don't get sucked in and destroyed? They are MINI! A dust speck that sucks in all matter within its gravitational pull has less gravitational pull than the flower it lands on. Do you people even read?

Crazitude

We have observed that the line in your species between sanity and insanity is thin indeed, and no more so than when romantic affection is involved. We have seen a teenage boy plunged into clinical depression by a romantic rejection, then pulled out again by a job offer. We have seen a woman engage in romantic behavior with a man, yet because she calls him a "friend" she discounts it, then later accuses him of betrayal. Obsession is your preference. That high school flame -- over it yet? WANT to get over it? This is among your greatest weaknesses ... and yet, as we watch, we wonder, what must the experience be like to propel such illogical, counterproductive actions?

My Saturday

Lies are necessary to maintain order. Like sausage, it's a universal constant. No matter the species, you do something your partner enjoys because it makes him/her/it happy. You enjoy that happiness. You stow away your own displeasure and bask in the happiness. You remind yourself of when your partner has done the same thing and certainly will again. This has nothing to do with our taking over your world. Just sayin'.

Sucking up isn't a bad thing

On much of Earth, people dislike those who appear to curry favor with those in power. Here's a universal truth: Honesty is a virtue, but it isn't armor, and it isn't wisdom. If you hate us and you tell us so, you will be processed. Go ahead. Be a martyr.

The universal constant

Sausage. Every world and every sentient species has an equivalent. We can't tolerate the taste of pork, but while cooking it smells very much like smooga. Aaaaaah. Now that's breakfast.

Aren't we all the same?

No. I'm sitting here watching a nearly brain-dead animal that three hours ago cried mercilessly for more food now sleep soundly a foot away from my computer. Any hungrier? If anything, more so now. So why now no noise? Same thing as always -- you are not as independent as you think. You are creatures of biology, as all of us are. WE know it. You don't.

Where we all connect

I don't care if you're human, Steev, gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, transpecies, whatever -- your OTHER is going to cause you emotional trouble. Do everything you think you are supposed to do, and there will be new requirements. Oh yes, there will be reasons for you to love your new life in the salt mines.

Yes, we can walk on water

But no, we did not cause the flooding in the Midwestern U.S. We do not control the weather. Except the rain-free lightning that started fires in California. That was an accident -- static-cling discharge from coming through the atmosphere too fast. Sorry. Anyway, if we controlled the weather, we wouldn't have a squishy date set for when we take complete control and begin rounding up the whole lot of you.

Your new masters

Now you get around to asking who we are, after the sex slaves question. You have funny priorities. We are a race whose name inspires fear throughout the galaxy. At the mere mention of it, most worlds begin evacuation, so we find a lot of brown pants when we arrive. On Earth, however, we are considering adopting a different name because of the peculiarities of your language and the names with which you are familiar. No one here will initially be afraid of Steev.

The first ones lined up against the wall

English professors! Come on. Our gender(s) are not your gender(s). If I get singular/plural and male/female mixed up, CUT ME SOME SLACK! Maybe I can get you a deal later at the salt mine.

It is NOT a sellout

Yes, that little icon at the lower right of this blog is from "The Dark Knight." We like action movies too. Also, Batman's car looks almost exactly like my very first spaceship. And the Joker looks like my first girlfriend/boyfriend.

You humans slay me

I read today from a source in Washington, D.C., that Ralph Nader is polling in the range of 4 percent in the presidential election. Seriously?! Did he even get that much in 2004, when everyone already regarded him as a joke and complete non-factor? The only explanation for any human labelling themselves as a Democrat voting for Nader is either irrational attachment to Hillary Clinton or racism. Luckily, we eliminated racism three centuries ago when we annihilated the Slurm. That was wrong. You need to get past it.

The next question on your minds

I know what you're thinking without you having to ask this one: Will we take any humans as sex slaves? Some are considering it -- after all, every species has members who get kinky -- but I'd have to say there won't be many. The proportions are way off; you'd have to use an entire arm, a foot and a knee. Plus, we'd have to shave parts of you and add hair to other parts. I just don't see it.

Takes one to know one

Contrary to what some people think, we are not demons or fallen angels. Get real. You actually believe in demons and angels?

How to Serve Man

Next question: Will any humans be slaughtered for consumption? Only the vegetarians. Many of the rest of you, especially in the fat countries, are loaded with trans-fat.

How would Kang vote?

Let's get this first question out of the way. No matter what you see in the Weekly World News, we are not endorsing anyone in the U.S. presidential contest. Were we electing one of them to rule our world, we would vote for Barack Obama. Our world has universal health care, of course, and a highly progressive tax system, supplemented by the plundered wealth of worlds we have conquered. We also do not torture our own people, although you will not benefit from that stance as we are not human. However, as a former prisoner of war, John McCain would be far better equipped to help us communicate to you what your new lives will be like. It is a moot point, though, because our takeover of your world will be complete by Oct. 26, barring unforeseen weather-related delays.

Attention, humans: Your reckoning is at hand

Our people arrived on Earth 378 days ago. We have by now infiltrated all levels of human society, on all continents. We now are preparing your various nations for your future roles as our servants. We have decided to start this "blog" to accustom some of you to our expectations.