If Putin's walking funny today ...

We picked up Vladimir Putin for probing last night. We wanted to know what he's thinking. Turns out it's that whole "Russian soul" thing with a little gambling instinct. He knows we have an Oct. 26 deadline. He just doesn't believe we can pull it off. He's betting we're like the Soviet Union -- vast and powerful, but corrupt and inept. He has been itching for many years to reassert Russia's power over its former dependencies, and Georgia gave him an excuse to start. He's undecided how far to push it, but he also knows that the United States is the only country willing to go to war to stop him, but the U.S. is completely pinned down with Iraq and Afghanistan. So, George W. Bush, here's the one thing we can guarantee: Whether we make our deadline or not, you have played a pivotal role in history by making possible the rise of a new Russian Empire. You must be so proud.

Wasting time

We told Vladimir Putin that invading Georgia would be a waste of time, effort and resources. (Please, no one send e-mail reminding us that Dmitry Medvedev is the president. Don't be naive.) Even if Russia prevails and fighting ends tomorrow, it will rule South Ossetia for about two and half months before everyone is rounded up and sent off-world. Anyone else pondering military action elsewhere in the world, please take this to heart: Why bother? Go to the beach instead. Relax. Get a tan. After October you won't see the sun much, especially this one.