Workplace safety violation

We have a job opening. During testing of the equipment we will use Oct. 26 to take control of all of your facilities, a Steev I like to call a name that translates in English roughly to "Johnny Numb Nuts" hit the wrong button. Suddenly POOF! he creates and explosion that takes out the equipment, a not insignificant chunk of Canadian real estate and, luckily for our future operations, himself. It was nice of Toronto to evacuate the area and bar aircraft. Made it easy for us to sweep out our materials quickly.

Even a broken clock II

Looks like they got us. I'm not saying which of those is us, but we're there. Nicely done. We didn't think you had it in you, but we'll find it. John Lenard Walson, you have a date with a dissection bot!

'Aliens! Fucking aliens!'

The American comedian Lewis Black has a bit in the current incarnation of his act that says either aliens are behind the iPhone or else it ought to be possible to create the technology to convert society to solar power. Actually both of those are true. If your leaders really wanted to, you could easily convert almost everything to solar power in a matter of perhaps 10 years. Unfortunately, you have less than three months left, and even if you could do it, what good would that do you in the mines?

8/3 UPDATE: Told you so.

Funny story

One of the early expeditionary trips to this solar system had a mishap -- some would call it a DUI, but no one ever proved that. It happened to coincide with your Galileo probe passing by and snapping some photos. You guys called it a "volcanic plume." More like, "Drunk-off-his-ass Steev plunges his ship into an ice planet." That pilot has never lived it down. The photo shows up at almost every party.

A little education is dangerous ...

... but a lot of education is lethal. While home recently, I let the mate convince me to go to a group discussion of Steev literature and adaptations of it, which is more complex than it sounds since most of our communication is telepathic. Literature, then, takes no time at all to consume, but adapting it is multidimensional. Our institutions of higher learning no longer grant degrees in its study because the field of deconstructing and explaining it had advanced to the point that students began to collapse into black holes. Perhaps because of this, however, that danger has made such classes, offered in non-academic settings, quite popular, somewhat like your erotic asphyxiation. The discussion I attended began to veer toward black-hole status as several in the group spent 20 minutes debating the permutations of the thought-word-form "self-evident." Perhaps because of my exposure to engineers, I felt the warps in space-time developing, so to create a distration I peed the floor and released a rodent.

Desperately seeking Sarah

On my way back to Earth I'm catching up on the news. I see Sarah Silverman finally dumped Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy was the one thing preventing sentient fans from considering her to be a genius. Even we Steev recognized what a dork he is -- in fact, our guide to Earth slang has his picture. We had no word like "dork" before, but it comes in quite handy. Of course, as I've said before we almost never speak, but the mental thought/image of "dork" is quite potent. This may be humankind's single greatest contribution to the galaxy. Congratulations.

Now Sarah has a little more than three months to find out what life without a live-in doofus is like (we had that "doofus" concept already). Sorry, Sarah, we'd like to give you more time. It's not personal, just business. Tell us some good jokes -- especially about Jimmy -- and we'll probably go easy on you.

Home, sweet home

Being recalled to the home world is like what you call vacation. We have no vacation, but there is little of our work on Earth that can be done from here, so when not being briefed or instructed, our time is our own. It's maddening. My mate has lavished attention on me. I spent too much time in the suns, so my skin is dry and the slime brownish. Soon I'll start flaking dry bits. Luckily we erected a rock pole outside for just such an occasion. We'll have some well-fed insects.

A voice in the wilderness

At this rate, very few humans will be emotionally prepared for our takeover of your planet come October. The problem with using a blog to spread the word is blogs become popular by word of mouth, and we Steev do not use our mouths for speech. We communicate mostly by telepathy, which is faster. It also enforces a steely mental discipline because when you have a naughty thought about a co-worker, he/she instantly knows and either he/she mentally slaps you or else confirms similar feelings and you slip off to have sex, and in either case your mate instantly knows about your thought and your co-worker's reaction and then you're in for hell when you get home. Anyway, if the blog doesn't pick up traction we are developing a concept for a short-run reality series, "Your New Life As An Alien Slave," for Fox.

Your new masters

Now you get around to asking who we are, after the sex slaves question. You have funny priorities. We are a race whose name inspires fear throughout the galaxy. At the mere mention of it, most worlds begin evacuation, so we find a lot of brown pants when we arrive. On Earth, however, we are considering adopting a different name because of the peculiarities of your language and the names with which you are familiar. No one here will initially be afraid of Steev.