There's one in every crowd

Today one of my coworkers said he early-voted for McCain, then went to another state and early-voted for Barr. He thinks he may vote at least two more times for each. Douche.

It's a head fake

The news that Barack Obama, who knows full well of our plans, "bought" a half hour of prime time on at least two major U.S. television networks for a night three days after we take over may surprise those who read this blog. However, he has not paid cash up front. Obama is shrewd. Like McCain, he has doubts we can pull it off, so he's hedging his bets. He won't be billed until after the 29th. If he's in the mines by then, he figures it won't matter that he may or may not have the money to pay the bill. If something goes wrong for us, he figures he'll probably be the president by the time the bill becomes overdue, and no one is going to repo Air Force One.

How you raise your kids kills us

We're trying

We realized a few weeks ago, as you probably read here, that we accidentally set the probe that's up John McCain's ass to "random." It wasn't a huge concern since our deadline is Oct. 26, but it's becoming a bit of a panic-inducer. We'd rather not have the sideshow in the waning weeks. Of course, it's harder than ever to get to him now. Many, many bodyguards and hangers-on. He's liable to say anything at any time. The other day his campaign unleashed a TV ad in which the words "greedy CEOs" appeared on the screen at the same time as the image of a black man. It's crazy, Jesse Helms stuff, potentially very explosive. We assume it's the probe scrambling his thoughts. If we can't get to him soon, we'll have to give up. Too much to do, especially the last two weeks. So, if he keeps acting wacky: Sorry.

What's so hard to believe?

So John McCain says he didn't hear the question about the anti-Obama book that is filled with lies (we've checked: all lies). Let it go. He's 73 years old. OF COURSE he didn't hear the question and threw off a non-answer that ended up throwing gas on the fire. You people get pretty hard of hearing by the time you're 45, let alone 73.

Monkey face

Do you even LOOK at the people you choose to be your leaders before you cast a vote? Do you just flip a coin? We'll keep this picture on a poster in the mines to remind you of the damage you do to yourselves.

Humans LIKE idiots

Some of you, especially in Europe but in big cities all over, get on a high horse about George Bush. You call him an idiot, and worse. We have studied him extensively (including probing). You are correct. However, idiot is as idiot does. He was elected. How stupid does that make everyone who voted for him? How stupid does it make Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Angela Merkel, Silvio Berlusconi....? The list goes on. You like idiots, you vote for idiots, you just don't like the idiots the other idiots elect. You have less than four months to reconcile this in your minds. After that, you'll probably just recall pleasantly, pausing during your mining, the golden years before our arrival when you were ruled by wise leaders, who suddenly were taken from you as we herded you into the cargo ships.

You humans slay me

I read today from a source in Washington, D.C., that Ralph Nader is polling in the range of 4 percent in the presidential election. Seriously?! Did he even get that much in 2004, when everyone already regarded him as a joke and complete non-factor? The only explanation for any human labelling themselves as a Democrat voting for Nader is either irrational attachment to Hillary Clinton or racism. Luckily, we eliminated racism three centuries ago when we annihilated the Slurm. That was wrong. You need to get past it.

How would Kang vote?

Let's get this first question out of the way. No matter what you see in the Weekly World News, we are not endorsing anyone in the U.S. presidential contest. Were we electing one of them to rule our world, we would vote for Barack Obama. Our world has universal health care, of course, and a highly progressive tax system, supplemented by the plundered wealth of worlds we have conquered. We also do not torture our own people, although you will not benefit from that stance as we are not human. However, as a former prisoner of war, John McCain would be far better equipped to help us communicate to you what your new lives will be like. It is a moot point, though, because our takeover of your world will be complete by Oct. 26, barring unforeseen weather-related delays.