Yes, life sucks

Yes, it has been more than 14 months since we were supposed to overrun your planet, subject you all to slavery and begin raping your world's natural resources. Hasn't happened. Doesn't mean you should get all preachy and happy about it. Bad things happen, to good and bad peope alike, almost without regard to how good/bad they are. But trash talk does seem to tilt the axis of justice, so if you want to mouth off, please do. We'll meet up later.

Get out of jail free

Maybe we are the Soviet Union. The Oct. 26 takeover is now off. We tried flipping the first switches today, and a bunch of them didn't switch. Frankly, we don't really NEED all of these systems to sync with us, but it's a hell of a pain in the ass if your life seems totally the same while we're marching down the streets. Unlike the movie "Independence Day," we don't have dozens of ships to send to hover all over the world to create a sense that the order has changed. So, new takeover date to be set later. You in the U.S.: Enjoy your election! Don't fuck it up. This is history, in both the best and worst sense. I, of course, will be going to Ohio and voting Obama. We can do that. All of us will be voting Obama, here and there. John McCain is just creepy, and besides, our probe says he won't live six more months.

Just a reminder

Pack a suitcase. Make love like rabbits. In less than 48 hours most of you will be on the ship.

We almost feel sorry for her

We weren't trying to humiliate Blossom by chasing the Federation off, but it's you people who bombarded her blog with abuse. Show a little compassion, will you? She was sincere. She was ALMOST right. When we pick her up Oct. 26, we'll tell her the Federation really was coming but we wouldn't let them. Maybe we'll even broadcast it to everyone else too. Maybe she'll feel better.

It's a head fake

The news that Barack Obama, who knows full well of our plans, "bought" a half hour of prime time on at least two major U.S. television networks for a night three days after we take over may surprise those who read this blog. However, he has not paid cash up front. Obama is shrewd. Like McCain, he has doubts we can pull it off, so he's hedging his bets. He won't be billed until after the 29th. If he's in the mines by then, he figures it won't matter that he may or may not have the money to pay the bill. If something goes wrong for us, he figures he'll probably be the president by the time the bill becomes overdue, and no one is going to repo Air Force One.

It wasn't really a gaffe

John McCain said "my fellow prisoners" because he had just been talking to us about the status of the takeover. He knows it's imminent, and he let slip what everyone's status is about to become. Officially, we're still on target for Oct. 26, but personally I'm keeping a few of my eyes on what you might refer to as a worker drone in sector 7G. He's on the ground in "an undisclosed location" -- it would not be inaccurate to infer Dick Cheney spends time there occasionally -- and is supposed to be nailing down critical systems in the mid-Atlantic. In a meeting today he's asked about things that could be done to make everything more secure. Each time, there's a blank look, then he says, "Well, I guess I could do that, yeah. Good idea." By the end I was ready to shove a rocket up his Uranus.

The Earth is farting

Two things: 1) Yes, methane releases in the Arctic have increased, and it will eventually lead to the runaway climate change you're all afraid of. 2) Irrelevant. Oct. 26! We have a timetable, and most all of you will be off working in the mines by the time this seriously alters the planet's climate. For now, go about your business, move along, nothing to see here.

We're trying

We realized a few weeks ago, as you probably read here, that we accidentally set the probe that's up John McCain's ass to "random." It wasn't a huge concern since our deadline is Oct. 26, but it's becoming a bit of a panic-inducer. We'd rather not have the sideshow in the waning weeks. Of course, it's harder than ever to get to him now. Many, many bodyguards and hangers-on. He's liable to say anything at any time. The other day his campaign unleashed a TV ad in which the words "greedy CEOs" appeared on the screen at the same time as the image of a black man. It's crazy, Jesse Helms stuff, potentially very explosive. We assume it's the probe scrambling his thoughts. If we can't get to him soon, we'll have to give up. Too much to do, especially the last two weeks. So, if he keeps acting wacky: Sorry.

What's REALLY going on

My boss didn't want to let me come out for this -- you can tell my posting has dropped -- but way up the food chain they recognize you are getting distracted, at least those who are paying attention to the U.S. and the U.S. presidential race. Let's be clear: The financial collapse is due to a small handful of people who are, in essence, short-selling us -- They don't believe we can pull of this takeover, but they think we will bring about an economic recalibration -- and to the cynicism of Bush and McCain. On similar grounds. They also don't believe we will be able to take over. I know. I've had probes so far up their asses I could look out their eyes. They are no better than Putin. We are considering a new job category for the post-takeover period. We may find the nastiest, most oral-sex-hungry people, and require them to be serviced by McCain, Bush and their senior advisors.

Let the chaos ensue

Orbiting over Denver now. If we get enough Hillarites probed by the time the convention starts, I may live-blog tonight's events. I've got enough implant feeds set up that it will be like being in the room anyway. Speaking of anuses, what part of "you lost" do you people not understand? You will have a long, sad adjustment in the mines. Repeat this over and over, and maybe by Oct. 26 you'll get it: The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules.

Why would we bother arranging this, you might well ask. After all, in global terms Pakistan is a backwater -- no insult, P, just speaking from an intergalactic perspective -- and certainly not a threat to us, and when we're rounding people up we'll hardly worry about the guys in the caves. (They'll actually be worse off if we don't find them, so I'm kind of hoping we don't, because they're giant assholes.) But, over the next two months it sure would help to avoid as many wars and explosions as possible. So, we convinced Zardari to run. Wasn't easy. He (mercifully) doesn't remember it now, but it took one MAJOR case of probing. Even Cheney caved earlier, and that's one man -- believe you me -- used to having big shit up his ass.

Putin may be right

If you put money on Vladimir Putin's belief that we are going to fail to make our deadline, today is the kind of day to make me think I should join you. Tech problems out the wazoo. Someone suddenly looks out the window and says, "Hey, aren't we about to fly into the sun?" Only plus is it happened while far from Earth. If we had been close we would have hit the moon.

There are more difficult tasks

And you wonder how we'll just roll over you. If it gets tough, we'll break open a keg.

This is how it always starts

Lucky for you that you have only until Oct. 26 because you've got some whacked-out English scientists playing Frankenstein to make a robot governed by a rat's brain cells. Since they're English, maybe they think the Doctor will ride in to rescue them if anything goes wrong. We've seen this sort of thing before, sometimes arriving at a world years after such technology was perfected -- and the only thing left running around was robots.

Another country heard from

Just what I need, another armed conflict on my desk to manage. Mindanao? Mindanao?! Yesterday I didn't know it existed, now I not only know where this little scrap of nothing in the Pacific is, I also know someone thinks it's worth fighting over, AND I have to keep track of everyone involved so we can scoop them up after Oct. 26. Still, could be worse. I could be the one who has pre-emptively been given responsibility for Ukraine. That one's going to be ugly. Don't even get me started on Poland.

If Putin's walking funny today ...

We picked up Vladimir Putin for probing last night. We wanted to know what he's thinking. Turns out it's that whole "Russian soul" thing with a little gambling instinct. He knows we have an Oct. 26 deadline. He just doesn't believe we can pull it off. He's betting we're like the Soviet Union -- vast and powerful, but corrupt and inept. He has been itching for many years to reassert Russia's power over its former dependencies, and Georgia gave him an excuse to start. He's undecided how far to push it, but he also knows that the United States is the only country willing to go to war to stop him, but the U.S. is completely pinned down with Iraq and Afghanistan. So, George W. Bush, here's the one thing we can guarantee: Whether we make our deadline or not, you have played a pivotal role in history by making possible the rise of a new Russian Empire. You must be so proud.

Workplace safety violation

We have a job opening. During testing of the equipment we will use Oct. 26 to take control of all of your facilities, a Steev I like to call a name that translates in English roughly to "Johnny Numb Nuts" hit the wrong button. Suddenly POOF! he creates and explosion that takes out the equipment, a not insignificant chunk of Canadian real estate and, luckily for our future operations, himself. It was nice of Toronto to evacuate the area and bar aircraft. Made it easy for us to sweep out our materials quickly.

Wasting time

We told Vladimir Putin that invading Georgia would be a waste of time, effort and resources. (Please, no one send e-mail reminding us that Dmitry Medvedev is the president. Don't be naive.) Even if Russia prevails and fighting ends tomorrow, it will rule South Ossetia for about two and half months before everyone is rounded up and sent off-world. Anyone else pondering military action elsewhere in the world, please take this to heart: Why bother? Go to the beach instead. Relax. Get a tan. After October you won't see the sun much, especially this one.

Better yet, bring a doctor's note

Your frailties are sometimes perplexing. Considering the value you place on laughing, one would think evolution would long ago have wiped out any tendency to collapse when you laugh or to suddenly fall asleep. Those of you who suffer from these conditions, please make a note: When the takeover comes, you MUST inform your processing officer of your condition. It could be critical. It won't get you an easier assignment in the mines, but we can place you where all of the digging is done manually rather than by heavy machinery. We would like to avoid mishaps, as blood congeals in some of the exposed mechanisms and impairs machinery function.

'Days off' - What a concept

One of the few things you may look on as a positive once you are in the mines is that we have the same work week you will have, which is every day of the week. As mentioned before, we have no vacations either. It is both amusing and annoying that what you call Saturdays, when most of you are not working, is our busiest day. We don't have seven-day weeks, but rewiring your infrastructure in preparation for Oct. 26 is easiest on the days when most of you are playing or getting drunk. So today has been an absolute female dog, as you say.