We're trying

We realized a few weeks ago, as you probably read here, that we accidentally set the probe that's up John McCain's ass to "random." It wasn't a huge concern since our deadline is Oct. 26, but it's becoming a bit of a panic-inducer. We'd rather not have the sideshow in the waning weeks. Of course, it's harder than ever to get to him now. Many, many bodyguards and hangers-on. He's liable to say anything at any time. The other day his campaign unleashed a TV ad in which the words "greedy CEOs" appeared on the screen at the same time as the image of a black man. It's crazy, Jesse Helms stuff, potentially very explosive. We assume it's the probe scrambling his thoughts. If we can't get to him soon, we'll have to give up. Too much to do, especially the last two weeks. So, if he keeps acting wacky: Sorry.

Who is this, and what has he done with David?

Now we have to go find David Brooks for probing. If he really made a solid argument that Sarah Palin is unqualified it means either that he is now a meth head or that there is an unregistered alien who has taken on his identity. The argument is completely correct, but it is unlike him to completely take on his party so boldly and thoroughly. My money is on the meth.

Why would we bother arranging this, you might well ask. After all, in global terms Pakistan is a backwater -- no insult, P, just speaking from an intergalactic perspective -- and certainly not a threat to us, and when we're rounding people up we'll hardly worry about the guys in the caves. (They'll actually be worse off if we don't find them, so I'm kind of hoping we don't, because they're giant assholes.) But, over the next two months it sure would help to avoid as many wars and explosions as possible. So, we convinced Zardari to run. Wasn't easy. He (mercifully) doesn't remember it now, but it took one MAJOR case of probing. Even Cheney caved earlier, and that's one man -- believe you me -- used to having big shit up his ass.