Monkey face

Do you even LOOK at the people you choose to be your leaders before you cast a vote? Do you just flip a coin? We'll keep this picture on a poster in the mines to remind you of the damage you do to yourselves.

Welcome, Verdell

Verdell Wilson, come on down. This is why we have a really small budget for espionage and researching you guys. You have such an insular network that you turn up dirt on yourselves faster than we usually could. That said, here is a message to Verdell: As I mentioned earlier in my Twitter, which you do not follow, I can get you easier duty in the mines. No favors necessary - this is not a solicitation. You are funny. We don't have much of that. It's worth it to us to spare you an early death.

Better yet, bring a doctor's note

Your frailties are sometimes perplexing. Considering the value you place on laughing, one would think evolution would long ago have wiped out any tendency to collapse when you laugh or to suddenly fall asleep. Those of you who suffer from these conditions, please make a note: When the takeover comes, you MUST inform your processing officer of your condition. It could be critical. It won't get you an easier assignment in the mines, but we can place you where all of the digging is done manually rather than by heavy machinery. We would like to avoid mishaps, as blood congeals in some of the exposed mechanisms and impairs machinery function.

'Days off' - What a concept

One of the few things you may look on as a positive once you are in the mines is that we have the same work week you will have, which is every day of the week. As mentioned before, we have no vacations either. It is both amusing and annoying that what you call Saturdays, when most of you are not working, is our busiest day. We don't have seven-day weeks, but rewiring your infrastructure in preparation for Oct. 26 is easiest on the days when most of you are playing or getting drunk. So today has been an absolute female dog, as you say.

'Aliens! Fucking aliens!'

The American comedian Lewis Black has a bit in the current incarnation of his act that says either aliens are behind the iPhone or else it ought to be possible to create the technology to convert society to solar power. Actually both of those are true. If your leaders really wanted to, you could easily convert almost everything to solar power in a matter of perhaps 10 years. Unfortunately, you have less than three months left, and even if you could do it, what good would that do you in the mines?

8/3 UPDATE: Told you so.

Why salt mines?

Good question. We have an unusual craving for salt. We're kind of anti-slugs. Our own world has very little salt. Maybe that's related. I'm not a biologist, and I don't care to ask one. (They're very smug.) Whatever the reason, wherever we encounter a world rich in salt, we set up a mine, and then we send in slaves, like you.

You'll be happier

You guys stress too much. You'll be much better off in the mines, where you can see your kids and be assured how miserable they are, rather than wondering at a distance what misery they are enduring.

Smart and stupid are same to worms

Many, perhaps most, humans like to believe in meritocracy. I like the idea myself. Those most able really should be rewarded and put in place to perform to their abilities. Alas, I must tell you this happens nowhere in the universe, and Earth is perhaps among the lower tier in applying the principal, at least among planets that have achieved, at some level, space flight. All achievement is politics, which is nothing more than interpersonal relations. In all species, those who make others happy and content are regarded as more worthy of admiration. The chances are that if you are reading this blog, according to all sources I have seen, this is bad news to you. Sorry. You also will be on the lower tier in the pecking order of the mines. Sorry again. It makes me no more happy than it makes you. It does, however, make me less sad, because I will not be in the mines.

Plans are for suckers

At times I, a planner in a vast interstellar organization, am chastised for my unwillingness to make long-term plans for myself. When I travel, I prefer serendipitous encounters and random-chance finds. A perfect example why: While on the home world and out on a long-planned meal get-together with my mate and an old friend of hers/his, we learned another old friend's mate had died. Instantly all of our plans were out the window and the entire day shifted from refreshment and reattachment to grieving and support. On Oct. 27, all of you will have fresh examples of why planning is for fools. Live for today. Make plans, but not hard and firm ones. Soon, you'll be in the mines. Plan accordingly.

Desperately seeking Sarah

On my way back to Earth I'm catching up on the news. I see Sarah Silverman finally dumped Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy was the one thing preventing sentient fans from considering her to be a genius. Even we Steev recognized what a dork he is -- in fact, our guide to Earth slang has his picture. We had no word like "dork" before, but it comes in quite handy. Of course, as I've said before we almost never speak, but the mental thought/image of "dork" is quite potent. This may be humankind's single greatest contribution to the galaxy. Congratulations.

Now Sarah has a little more than three months to find out what life without a live-in doofus is like (we had that "doofus" concept already). Sorry, Sarah, we'd like to give you more time. It's not personal, just business. Tell us some good jokes -- especially about Jimmy -- and we'll probably go easy on you.

'Your kind made a desert of it'

Perhaps years from now we may bring a few of you back to Earth to see what eventually became of the planet after the climate change you initiated finally petered out. It would be an interesting sociological/psychological experiment. We could bring Bush himself, assuming he survives the mega-probing that he has coming. You'll hardly recognize the place. You may even be grateful for the mines. But probably not.

Goddam Google

I had composed a lengthy post about my trip home and the purple seas, green sky, orange beaches, bloated gas bags, etc. etc., and the friggin' Blogger software hiccuped. I hate Google. They are going to be toiling on friggin' SURFACE operations, the shitheads.

You sick ...

Just on a whim, in a fit of boredom, I Googled "alien porn." (Hey, it can be lonely on an alien world, plotting its takeover and the enslavement of the natives. It's all work.) It's truly astounding. "Some chick gets raped by an plant like alien ion her garden. It has several tentacles with dicks attached"!! Going from watching this kind of stuff to the tedium in the salt mines, you won't know which way is up.