Excellent! Time for another implant. These are so much more interesting than probing. More exacting work, more challenging, and most important there is so much less squealing. And no smell. Sarah Palin, we're on our way.

When porn crosses the line

This person wasn't a Hillaryite, but the sign virtually screamed "PROBE ME! PROBE ME!" Interestingly, she's not certain this is a joke:
"We had thousands of flyers that spelled out our philosophy in exposing Bird Watchers for what they really are: namely cunning, pervasive, horny preditors. More specifically, a shameful blight on our society by seeking sexual stimulation from birds in congress."

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting one

Some of us, including me, thought it too ambitious to try to find and probe 500 Hillaryites. Some thought we might have to resort to picking up everyone who looks like Bella Abzug and hope, but it has been much easier than we expected. They display their loyalties so prominently we can spot them with a simple visual scan of the streets.

Oops

So much probing, I wound up wearing myself out and fell asleep just in time to miss Michelle Obama's speech. Good thing I'm not paid for this blog. When I'm conscious, see live comments on my Twitter feed.

Live-blogging isn't fast enough

I intended to live-blog the DNC tonight. I hadn't figured that the first night would produce such profuse crap (the rhetoric). I really thought that would be the RNC. But, wow, I can't keep up with Jesse Jr.

Tweet tweet

So far, follow my Twitter to see my reaction during this convention.

Bad speechifying

You have precious little time left, so you probably don't need to worry about this, but if you gain more time you shouldn't let Nancy Pelosi give anymore speeches. She seriously stinks. She also seems to think she's still 35.

My day's work

Got our full quota of Hillarites for the day. Scary bunch. Never, in any race, have we encountered a people as willing to distance political philosophy from personal loyalty.

Let the chaos ensue

Orbiting over Denver now. If we get enough Hillarites probed by the time the convention starts, I may live-blog tonight's events. I've got enough implant feeds set up that it will be like being in the room anyway. Speaking of anuses, what part of "you lost" do you people not understand? You will have a long, sad adjustment in the mines. Repeat this over and over, and maybe by Oct. 26 you'll get it: The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules. The winners make the rules.

Rocky Mountains-bound

Headed to Denver. We're going to pick up a few of the Hillary dead-enders for probing, the ones who say they are for Hillary because of the issues but they will vote for McCain rather than Obama. The brain circuitry on this may be interesting.

OBiden

I went a little nuts this morning in my Twitter feed about the Obama-Biden announcement. Sorry to my handful of followers. But dammit, our sleep cycle was synced last night with the East Coast of the U.S., and the goddam thing came out at 3:30. Yes, we watch such things. Gotta know who needs an implant -- Biden gets his tonight. You announce these things at that time of day/night? What. The. Intercourse. Whose genius idea was that? I'll shove a probe so far up that person's ass that I can modulate the settings in his/her open mouth. Please don't do that anymore.

Suck me, Technorati

Technorati ranks my blog 4,575,077. I've had worse.

Why would we bother arranging this, you might well ask. After all, in global terms Pakistan is a backwater -- no insult, P, just speaking from an intergalactic perspective -- and certainly not a threat to us, and when we're rounding people up we'll hardly worry about the guys in the caves. (They'll actually be worse off if we don't find them, so I'm kind of hoping we don't, because they're giant assholes.) But, over the next two months it sure would help to avoid as many wars and explosions as possible. So, we convinced Zardari to run. Wasn't easy. He (mercifully) doesn't remember it now, but it took one MAJOR case of probing. Even Cheney caved earlier, and that's one man -- believe you me -- used to having big shit up his ass.

They're scamming you

You know what the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence really is? Galactic Napster. They don't tell you that. They tour the country, talk to children's groups, pretend they're doing serious science and haven't found what they're looking for. Don't fall for it. They found exactly what they were looking for -- our tunes, and they didn't pay for any. But they will. Oh yes, they will.

Putin may be right

If you put money on Vladimir Putin's belief that we are going to fail to make our deadline, today is the kind of day to make me think I should join you. Tech problems out the wazoo. Someone suddenly looks out the window and says, "Hey, aren't we about to fly into the sun?" Only plus is it happened while far from Earth. If we had been close we would have hit the moon.

There are more difficult tasks

And you wonder how we'll just roll over you. If it gets tough, we'll break open a keg.

What's so hard to believe?

So John McCain says he didn't hear the question about the anti-Obama book that is filled with lies (we've checked: all lies). Let it go. He's 73 years old. OF COURSE he didn't hear the question and threw off a non-answer that ended up throwing gas on the fire. You people get pretty hard of hearing by the time you're 45, let alone 73.

This is how it always starts

Lucky for you that you have only until Oct. 26 because you've got some whacked-out English scientists playing Frankenstein to make a robot governed by a rat's brain cells. Since they're English, maybe they think the Doctor will ride in to rescue them if anything goes wrong. We've seen this sort of thing before, sometimes arriving at a world years after such technology was perfected -- and the only thing left running around was robots.

Another country heard from

Just what I need, another armed conflict on my desk to manage. Mindanao? Mindanao?! Yesterday I didn't know it existed, now I not only know where this little scrap of nothing in the Pacific is, I also know someone thinks it's worth fighting over, AND I have to keep track of everyone involved so we can scoop them up after Oct. 26. Still, could be worse. I could be the one who has pre-emptively been given responsibility for Ukraine. That one's going to be ugly. Don't even get me started on Poland.

If Putin's walking funny today ...

We picked up Vladimir Putin for probing last night. We wanted to know what he's thinking. Turns out it's that whole "Russian soul" thing with a little gambling instinct. He knows we have an Oct. 26 deadline. He just doesn't believe we can pull it off. He's betting we're like the Soviet Union -- vast and powerful, but corrupt and inept. He has been itching for many years to reassert Russia's power over its former dependencies, and Georgia gave him an excuse to start. He's undecided how far to push it, but he also knows that the United States is the only country willing to go to war to stop him, but the U.S. is completely pinned down with Iraq and Afghanistan. So, George W. Bush, here's the one thing we can guarantee: Whether we make our deadline or not, you have played a pivotal role in history by making possible the rise of a new Russian Empire. You must be so proud.

Why you don't pretend to give a robot a voice

This little crappy satellite image is nice enough, shows interesting geologic details, but in posting it and hailing it you never say why anyone should care. Don't treat your own people like fools. Just look at the photo! There are clear patterns of geologic movement. SAY IT! If you don't, you're assuming your readers are as nerdy as you are. (NASA, I'm looking at you.)

Mechanical eyes

This is how the beach looks when you look at it through the mechanical-spider apparatus mentioned below.

Too much spare time on your hands

You're very imaginative in coming up with ways to alter your appearance in freakish ways. These things make you look perpetually stoned and surprised. Guarantee: They'll give you eyeball cancer. Fortunately for you, we have surgery to correct that. Unfortunately for you, it leaves you with a large, black apparatus on your head that looks like a mechanical spider.

Monkey face

Do you even LOOK at the people you choose to be your leaders before you cast a vote? Do you just flip a coin? We'll keep this picture on a poster in the mines to remind you of the damage you do to yourselves.

Welcome, Verdell

Verdell Wilson, come on down. This is why we have a really small budget for espionage and researching you guys. You have such an insular network that you turn up dirt on yourselves faster than we usually could. That said, here is a message to Verdell: As I mentioned earlier in my Twitter, which you do not follow, I can get you easier duty in the mines. No favors necessary - this is not a solicitation. You are funny. We don't have much of that. It's worth it to us to spare you an early death.

Keeper

We'll save this in our system. We don't do science, comedy and music, but it's nice to have an example in case any of us wants to give it a try.

Workplace safety violation

We have a job opening. During testing of the equipment we will use Oct. 26 to take control of all of your facilities, a Steev I like to call a name that translates in English roughly to "Johnny Numb Nuts" hit the wrong button. Suddenly POOF! he creates and explosion that takes out the equipment, a not insignificant chunk of Canadian real estate and, luckily for our future operations, himself. It was nice of Toronto to evacuate the area and bar aircraft. Made it easy for us to sweep out our materials quickly.

Wasting time

We told Vladimir Putin that invading Georgia would be a waste of time, effort and resources. (Please, no one send e-mail reminding us that Dmitry Medvedev is the president. Don't be naive.) Even if Russia prevails and fighting ends tomorrow, it will rule South Ossetia for about two and half months before everyone is rounded up and sent off-world. Anyone else pondering military action elsewhere in the world, please take this to heart: Why bother? Go to the beach instead. Relax. Get a tan. After October you won't see the sun much, especially this one.

Even a blind MF pig!

You totally nailed it, without even knowing (maybe). Yes, John Edwards is the parent of aliens, but we resent the "alien lizards" reference. We are warm-blooded. MaxTheDog2, once we track him down, will have surface duty, if the bots don't get him first.

Better yet, bring a doctor's note

Your frailties are sometimes perplexing. Considering the value you place on laughing, one would think evolution would long ago have wiped out any tendency to collapse when you laugh or to suddenly fall asleep. Those of you who suffer from these conditions, please make a note: When the takeover comes, you MUST inform your processing officer of your condition. It could be critical. It won't get you an easier assignment in the mines, but we can place you where all of the digging is done manually rather than by heavy machinery. We would like to avoid mishaps, as blood congeals in some of the exposed mechanisms and impairs machinery function.

Red space herring

We'll clear this up fast: Barack Obama is familiar with this blog, and he knows full well that whatever he proposes for space exploration is a moot point. Promise NASA the moon, whatever, it won't matter. John McCain knows this too. Don't base any votes on whatever they say about NASA funding. (Trivia on what NASA really means: Non-Assisted Space Attempt. True.)

Confession time

Some of the recent jellyfish problem is a global-warming thing. We're also breeding them and releasing them. We think they're cute.

'Days off' - What a concept

One of the few things you may look on as a positive once you are in the mines is that we have the same work week you will have, which is every day of the week. As mentioned before, we have no vacations either. It is both amusing and annoying that what you call Saturdays, when most of you are not working, is our busiest day. We don't have seven-day weeks, but rewiring your infrastructure in preparation for Oct. 26 is easiest on the days when most of you are playing or getting drunk. So today has been an absolute female dog, as you say.

Even a broken clock II

Looks like they got us. I'm not saying which of those is us, but we're there. Nicely done. We didn't think you had it in you, but we'll find it. John Lenard Walson, you have a date with a dissection bot!

'Aliens! Fucking aliens!'

The American comedian Lewis Black has a bit in the current incarnation of his act that says either aliens are behind the iPhone or else it ought to be possible to create the technology to convert society to solar power. Actually both of those are true. If your leaders really wanted to, you could easily convert almost everything to solar power in a matter of perhaps 10 years. Unfortunately, you have less than three months left, and even if you could do it, what good would that do you in the mines?

8/3 UPDATE: Told you so.