Life ain't easy

Sometimes life overtakes you, and you wind up going place to place, traveling long distances, confronting crises you had hoped would never happen in your lifetime, crying at night and in the spaces when you had nothing to do, and then you come to blogger fucking dot com, and it asks for your pass fucking word. Man, it's been a year since I even thought about you, so why would I remember your password? So, today gives me an occasion to speak well of Bill Gates and his Windows, because they remember the password I can't for the life of me remember.

Yes, life sucks

Yes, it has been more than 14 months since we were supposed to overrun your planet, subject you all to slavery and begin raping your world's natural resources. Hasn't happened. Doesn't mean you should get all preachy and happy about it. Bad things happen, to good and bad peope alike, almost without regard to how good/bad they are. But trash talk does seem to tilt the axis of justice, so if you want to mouth off, please do. We'll meet up later.

Long time, lots see

Interesting to watch how much hysteria there is for Dec. 25 on some parts of your planet, total absence of interest on most of it.

It's called 'the brakes,' dipshit

OK, so here you can see what it looks like when a moron drives a spaceship into the atmosphere. If our angle had been any steeper, I wouldn't be writing this now. Thanks much to the Edmonton police for this visual evidence of why I will keep smacking a certain pilot on the forehead.

Crazy to the Nth degree

Accidentally discovered that one of our implants when in someone who has a heart attack and then is heavily sedated can sometimes short, creating random behavior to a degree no one would be happy to observe. Sorry to the implantee and all the friends and relatives now going through hell.

Breaking the silence

All right, all right, sorry it has been over a week since I've posted, but come on, I've only seen everything I've worked for the past several years almost entirely wiped out. Maybe I'm a little depressed. You get depressed, your dogs and cats depressed, you don't think an alien can get depressed? If we were a human organization, we'd be bracing for layoffs about now. But we're not. On the other hand, we have airlocks.

You'd be better off

C'mon. There seem to be two ways you guys find this blog. One is the rare person who is surfing the random tweets of everyone on Twitter. The other is someone Googling something about "alien sex," "fucking aliens" or, as happened this week, "sick alien sex." When we're sick, our sex is no better than your is when you have a bad cold. Which is to say, we still do it.

There's one in every crowd

Today one of my coworkers said he early-voted for McCain, then went to another state and early-voted for Barr. He thinks he may vote at least two more times for each. Douche.

Get out of jail free

Maybe we are the Soviet Union. The Oct. 26 takeover is now off. We tried flipping the first switches today, and a bunch of them didn't switch. Frankly, we don't really NEED all of these systems to sync with us, but it's a hell of a pain in the ass if your life seems totally the same while we're marching down the streets. Unlike the movie "Independence Day," we don't have dozens of ships to send to hover all over the world to create a sense that the order has changed. So, new takeover date to be set later. You in the U.S.: Enjoy your election! Don't fuck it up. This is history, in both the best and worst sense. I, of course, will be going to Ohio and voting Obama. We can do that. All of us will be voting Obama, here and there. John McCain is just creepy, and besides, our probe says he won't live six more months.

Just a reminder

Pack a suitcase. Make love like rabbits. In less than 48 hours most of you will be on the ship.

We almost feel sorry for her

We weren't trying to humiliate Blossom by chasing the Federation off, but it's you people who bombarded her blog with abuse. Show a little compassion, will you? She was sincere. She was ALMOST right. When we pick her up Oct. 26, we'll tell her the Federation really was coming but we wouldn't let them. Maybe we'll even broadcast it to everyone else too. Maybe she'll feel better.

Don't be disillusioned

Some humans seem disappointed that a giant ship from the Galactic Federation of Light did not appear in the Alabama skies yesterday, and isn't there now, to declare a great era of planetwide peace. There's a simple reason: We chased them off. They're peaceniks, they have no weapons, and that "security field" they brag about couldn't keep my grandmother out. We have dibs on the Earth, and we'll kick their asses (they do have multiple asses) if they come back.

It's a head fake

The news that Barack Obama, who knows full well of our plans, "bought" a half hour of prime time on at least two major U.S. television networks for a night three days after we take over may surprise those who read this blog. However, he has not paid cash up front. Obama is shrewd. Like McCain, he has doubts we can pull it off, so he's hedging his bets. He won't be billed until after the 29th. If he's in the mines by then, he figures it won't matter that he may or may not have the money to pay the bill. If something goes wrong for us, he figures he'll probably be the president by the time the bill becomes overdue, and no one is going to repo Air Force One.

It wasn't really a gaffe

John McCain said "my fellow prisoners" because he had just been talking to us about the status of the takeover. He knows it's imminent, and he let slip what everyone's status is about to become. Officially, we're still on target for Oct. 26, but personally I'm keeping a few of my eyes on what you might refer to as a worker drone in sector 7G. He's on the ground in "an undisclosed location" -- it would not be inaccurate to infer Dick Cheney spends time there occasionally -- and is supposed to be nailing down critical systems in the mid-Atlantic. In a meeting today he's asked about things that could be done to make everything more secure. Each time, there's a blank look, then he says, "Well, I guess I could do that, yeah. Good idea." By the end I was ready to shove a rocket up his Uranus.

How you raise your kids kills us

Bored with your own kind?

As noted previously, you humans seem to have an obsession with alien sex. A disproportionate number of the visitors to this blog find it by Googling "alien fucking."

Nothing to see here

You really want to know what Mercury looks like? Like a big, round, dry, hot rock. Been there, done that. Next. You like to say you send out probes like this one for scientific reasons, but it's obvious that's a crock. You like photos of exotic places.

The Earth is farting

Two things: 1) Yes, methane releases in the Arctic have increased, and it will eventually lead to the runaway climate change you're all afraid of. 2) Irrelevant. Oct. 26! We have a timetable, and most all of you will be off working in the mines by the time this seriously alters the planet's climate. For now, go about your business, move along, nothing to see here.

Define 'snow'

Don't get overexcited about snow on Mars. I'm pretty sure what was falling out of the atmosphere at that time was in the same place where, just a little earlier, we purged out tanks. Could be yellow snow.

We're trying

We realized a few weeks ago, as you probably read here, that we accidentally set the probe that's up John McCain's ass to "random." It wasn't a huge concern since our deadline is Oct. 26, but it's becoming a bit of a panic-inducer. We'd rather not have the sideshow in the waning weeks. Of course, it's harder than ever to get to him now. Many, many bodyguards and hangers-on. He's liable to say anything at any time. The other day his campaign unleashed a TV ad in which the words "greedy CEOs" appeared on the screen at the same time as the image of a black man. It's crazy, Jesse Helms stuff, potentially very explosive. We assume it's the probe scrambling his thoughts. If we can't get to him soon, we'll have to give up. Too much to do, especially the last two weeks. So, if he keeps acting wacky: Sorry.