Mechanical eyes

This is how the beach looks when you look at it through the mechanical-spider apparatus mentioned below.

Too much spare time on your hands

You're very imaginative in coming up with ways to alter your appearance in freakish ways. These things make you look perpetually stoned and surprised. Guarantee: They'll give you eyeball cancer. Fortunately for you, we have surgery to correct that. Unfortunately for you, it leaves you with a large, black apparatus on your head that looks like a mechanical spider.

Monkey face

Do you even LOOK at the people you choose to be your leaders before you cast a vote? Do you just flip a coin? We'll keep this picture on a poster in the mines to remind you of the damage you do to yourselves.

Welcome, Verdell

Verdell Wilson, come on down. This is why we have a really small budget for espionage and researching you guys. You have such an insular network that you turn up dirt on yourselves faster than we usually could. That said, here is a message to Verdell: As I mentioned earlier in my Twitter, which you do not follow, I can get you easier duty in the mines. No favors necessary - this is not a solicitation. You are funny. We don't have much of that. It's worth it to us to spare you an early death.

Keeper

We'll save this in our system. We don't do science, comedy and music, but it's nice to have an example in case any of us wants to give it a try.

Workplace safety violation

We have a job opening. During testing of the equipment we will use Oct. 26 to take control of all of your facilities, a Steev I like to call a name that translates in English roughly to "Johnny Numb Nuts" hit the wrong button. Suddenly POOF! he creates and explosion that takes out the equipment, a not insignificant chunk of Canadian real estate and, luckily for our future operations, himself. It was nice of Toronto to evacuate the area and bar aircraft. Made it easy for us to sweep out our materials quickly.

Wasting time

We told Vladimir Putin that invading Georgia would be a waste of time, effort and resources. (Please, no one send e-mail reminding us that Dmitry Medvedev is the president. Don't be naive.) Even if Russia prevails and fighting ends tomorrow, it will rule South Ossetia for about two and half months before everyone is rounded up and sent off-world. Anyone else pondering military action elsewhere in the world, please take this to heart: Why bother? Go to the beach instead. Relax. Get a tan. After October you won't see the sun much, especially this one.