As your saying goes, 'Even a broken clock...'

Interesting story out of North Carolina. Interesting not because it's about a man who believes in UFOs. Obviously we do exist. It's interesting because he is clearly a complete nutjob, and yet there's this: In recent years, he said, he has heard many reports of UFOs drawing energy off of power lines and draining water out of reservoirs.

It's true. Drawing a little electricity helps lower the cost of running a spaceship, and we need water. After all, in a few months you won't need it anymore.

Incommunicative and distant

Computers -- you can't live with them, you can't shoot them in the head and leave them by the side of the road.

Go Google yourself

The humans who oversee this network say I should use my gmail account to log in, but when I try, the site says my gmail account doesn't exist. After I log in using a non-Google e-mail, I can then check my gmail. If you ever have an encounter in your life in which the other person executes his tasks with ruthless efficiency and flawless results, run away -- it's one of us. No human could ever do that.

Humans LIKE idiots

Some of you, especially in Europe but in big cities all over, get on a high horse about George Bush. You call him an idiot, and worse. We have studied him extensively (including probing). You are correct. However, idiot is as idiot does. He was elected. How stupid does that make everyone who voted for him? How stupid does it make Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Angela Merkel, Silvio Berlusconi....? The list goes on. You like idiots, you vote for idiots, you just don't like the idiots the other idiots elect. You have less than four months to reconcile this in your minds. After that, you'll probably just recall pleasantly, pausing during your mining, the golden years before our arrival when you were ruled by wise leaders, who suddenly were taken from you as we herded you into the cargo ships.

Going to Saturn to reach the spaceport at Alpha Centauri

Once more on the LHC, which is being built in Switzerland, why is this being litigated in Hawaii? You people make no sense.

Structure of the universe

Speaking of the LHC, one of the things the hopeful, naive human scientists hope it will do is provide evidence of more dimensions, 10 or so, needed to "prove" string theory. Since we have less than four months until we begin rounding you up, let me save you some time: There are 13 dimensions. Exactly 13. Yes, it's an unlucky number. Explains a lot, doesn't it?

Not with a bang but a whimper

Believe me, if the CERN's Large Hadron Collider were actually capable of destroying the planet, we wouldn't be here, or we'd steal it; one day the scientists would arrive at work to find a giant hole in the ground. Please, don't get so worked up over the idea of mini black holes. You know what? There are mini black holes everywhere. Know why you don't get sucked in and destroyed? They are MINI! A dust speck that sucks in all matter within its gravitational pull has less gravitational pull than the flower it lands on. Do you people even read?

Crazitude

We have observed that the line in your species between sanity and insanity is thin indeed, and no more so than when romantic affection is involved. We have seen a teenage boy plunged into clinical depression by a romantic rejection, then pulled out again by a job offer. We have seen a woman engage in romantic behavior with a man, yet because she calls him a "friend" she discounts it, then later accuses him of betrayal. Obsession is your preference. That high school flame -- over it yet? WANT to get over it? This is among your greatest weaknesses ... and yet, as we watch, we wonder, what must the experience be like to propel such illogical, counterproductive actions?

My Saturday

Lies are necessary to maintain order. Like sausage, it's a universal constant. No matter the species, you do something your partner enjoys because it makes him/her/it happy. You enjoy that happiness. You stow away your own displeasure and bask in the happiness. You remind yourself of when your partner has done the same thing and certainly will again. This has nothing to do with our taking over your world. Just sayin'.

Sucking up isn't a bad thing

On much of Earth, people dislike those who appear to curry favor with those in power. Here's a universal truth: Honesty is a virtue, but it isn't armor, and it isn't wisdom. If you hate us and you tell us so, you will be processed. Go ahead. Be a martyr.

The universal constant

Sausage. Every world and every sentient species has an equivalent. We can't tolerate the taste of pork, but while cooking it smells very much like smooga. Aaaaaah. Now that's breakfast.

Aren't we all the same?

No. I'm sitting here watching a nearly brain-dead animal that three hours ago cried mercilessly for more food now sleep soundly a foot away from my computer. Any hungrier? If anything, more so now. So why now no noise? Same thing as always -- you are not as independent as you think. You are creatures of biology, as all of us are. WE know it. You don't.

Where we all connect

I don't care if you're human, Steev, gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, transpecies, whatever -- your OTHER is going to cause you emotional trouble. Do everything you think you are supposed to do, and there will be new requirements. Oh yes, there will be reasons for you to love your new life in the salt mines.

Yes, we can walk on water

But no, we did not cause the flooding in the Midwestern U.S. We do not control the weather. Except the rain-free lightning that started fires in California. That was an accident -- static-cling discharge from coming through the atmosphere too fast. Sorry. Anyway, if we controlled the weather, we wouldn't have a squishy date set for when we take complete control and begin rounding up the whole lot of you.

Your new masters

Now you get around to asking who we are, after the sex slaves question. You have funny priorities. We are a race whose name inspires fear throughout the galaxy. At the mere mention of it, most worlds begin evacuation, so we find a lot of brown pants when we arrive. On Earth, however, we are considering adopting a different name because of the peculiarities of your language and the names with which you are familiar. No one here will initially be afraid of Steev.

The first ones lined up against the wall

English professors! Come on. Our gender(s) are not your gender(s). If I get singular/plural and male/female mixed up, CUT ME SOME SLACK! Maybe I can get you a deal later at the salt mine.

It is NOT a sellout

Yes, that little icon at the lower right of this blog is from "The Dark Knight." We like action movies too. Also, Batman's car looks almost exactly like my very first spaceship. And the Joker looks like my first girlfriend/boyfriend.

You humans slay me

I read today from a source in Washington, D.C., that Ralph Nader is polling in the range of 4 percent in the presidential election. Seriously?! Did he even get that much in 2004, when everyone already regarded him as a joke and complete non-factor? The only explanation for any human labelling themselves as a Democrat voting for Nader is either irrational attachment to Hillary Clinton or racism. Luckily, we eliminated racism three centuries ago when we annihilated the Slurm. That was wrong. You need to get past it.

The next question on your minds

I know what you're thinking without you having to ask this one: Will we take any humans as sex slaves? Some are considering it -- after all, every species has members who get kinky -- but I'd have to say there won't be many. The proportions are way off; you'd have to use an entire arm, a foot and a knee. Plus, we'd have to shave parts of you and add hair to other parts. I just don't see it.

Takes one to know one

Contrary to what some people think, we are not demons or fallen angels. Get real. You actually believe in demons and angels?

How to Serve Man

Next question: Will any humans be slaughtered for consumption? Only the vegetarians. Many of the rest of you, especially in the fat countries, are loaded with trans-fat.

How would Kang vote?

Let's get this first question out of the way. No matter what you see in the Weekly World News, we are not endorsing anyone in the U.S. presidential contest. Were we electing one of them to rule our world, we would vote for Barack Obama. Our world has universal health care, of course, and a highly progressive tax system, supplemented by the plundered wealth of worlds we have conquered. We also do not torture our own people, although you will not benefit from that stance as we are not human. However, as a former prisoner of war, John McCain would be far better equipped to help us communicate to you what your new lives will be like. It is a moot point, though, because our takeover of your world will be complete by Oct. 26, barring unforeseen weather-related delays.

Attention, humans: Your reckoning is at hand

Our people arrived on Earth 378 days ago. We have by now infiltrated all levels of human society, on all continents. We now are preparing your various nations for your future roles as our servants. We have decided to start this "blog" to accustom some of you to our expectations.